Deep in my heart and soul, I can feel the changes. What exactly is happening to me? I can’t explain it.
Is it good? Is it bad? Does it make me happy or sad? I feel my heart-beat rising and my chest contracting. The muscles can’t bear it, so the pain increases. I wish I could pin-point and say exactly what I’m feeling. But I can’t find the exact words to even express it.
So I put my pen to paper and I choose to write. Whatever it is that bothers me, let these feelings come through. Pause! I need to be calm for a moment. I can’t just scribble words down and hope to make sense. What would I be saying? I am not the type to rant.
So I say a short prayer and ask God for guidance. Inspire me Oh Lord! Let these words come through. And I feel the rush, the pressure, like a dam ready to burst! But I will drop it one letter at a time and construct it, so at the end of this maybe you can get what I’m feeling.
My hands are shaking, no word written yet. My eyes getting wet, but the tears won’t flow. I blink so they could fall but they won’t oblige. Finally, three drops! And they served as the perfect inspiration.
I feel like I’ve just awoken from a very deep sleep. I used to think the world was a free place to be. Open-minded to everybody, I’m the type to tell you exactly how I feel. They call it “being real”.
But these people around me are like recording machines. They smile like they’re feeling me, but in their heads they’re killing me. Then later on, when I let my guard down, they use my words against me and it really brings me down.
So I chose to withdraw. “Keep it all to yourself”, I told myself. But no man can bear the weight of such heavy burden. I ran to friends and family, I felt safe with a couple. And yes, I found “love”, I think that’s what they call it. For a while I was happy and glad, things were going according to plans. Yes! Welcome to the Fool’s Paradise.
And then I felt the first stab in the back! The funny thing about friends that betray you, is everybody else sees it coming except you. I was warned but I never gave heed. They saw it coming, but I told them, “Let me be”. Love followed suit, I was building castles in the air. But when I finally realised, I was so caught up, that I couldn’t break through. Hurt myself, a few others, but this feeling won’t go So I ran to God, and He made me understand.
Understand what? That life’s merely a series of test. Some you fail, some you pass, but you got to always give it your best. So I pushed asides my regrets and counted my blessings. Tested some friends, and selected just a few. And on this tough road to success, I hope we all make it through.
But I was just getting started. I ventured into deeper waters, and believe me, I almost lost it. I was just a small fish and these fishes were bigger. Tiger sharks that were ready to eat up my existence. I finally understood the meaning of the word, “fear”.
Mental slavery, religious conspiracies, people killing people, oppression and deception everywhere. The masses still suffering, the youth still hustling, while the government forever enjoying and promising but never fulfilling. And if death could save me, believe me I would gladly die than witness all this. But I would only be a loser and plunge into more suffering. So I brace up, lace up, sit tight and fight hard. And as long as I breathe, I won’t stop fighting this monstrous society and yes, my inner demons.
And to everybody reading this, we won’t be able to sit on the fence forever. Someday, we would have to choose. And when that day comes, what will you stand for?
Written by Bashiru Ismail
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